Introduction

Her upstairs moved above me around 6 weeks ago. She lives with a partner called 'Yew f*cking c*nt', a teenaged daughter and two dogs.

Her upstairs has a lot of problems. Her stressful life causes her to scream and shout obscenities. accompanied by the overturning of furniture and the throwing of objects. I have come to know the most intimate details of her life, over a very short period of time.

Tonight I will tell you about yew f*cking c*nt, hereafter known as YFC. YFC is in trouble with her upstairs again. This time it's about his friends. I know which friend she is talking about because I saw this friend when YFC knocked at my door during my birthday party. They were in the process of demolishing a wall in their flat, directly above the heads of my guests, and YFC needed one of my guests to move her car. This was when I spotted his friend. He was wearing a stripy t-shirt which at the time put me in mind of Billy Whizz from the Beano, circa 1970. He was also bespectacled and severely overweight. It is said friend's morphic image that seems to have offended the sensibilities of her upstairs. The shouting and crashing on this occasion was accompanied by the screaming of 'I don't want FAT people in myyyy flat'. This seemed a little unreasonable to me at the time, but then it was 3am. I even managed to summon up a degree of sympathy for YFC.

Another thing: YFC does not treat her as well as he should. I know this because she spent another whole night telling him so.

I'm beginning to wonder how much longer YFC can put up with her. She yelled at her daughter, informing her that she (her Upstairs) would 'disown her' if daughter ever spoke to him again. That was half an hour before YFC turned up again and all went blissfully quiet for one night.

I wonder how YFC feels about the threats of violence that her upstairs has yelled at my daughter? It's all terribly exciting.